All I Want For Christmas

Every year, my family asks what I want for Christmas. And every year, my response is the same, “Uhhh, I don’t know. I don’t really need anything.” In 2019 and 2020, what I really wanted was a secret that I couldn’t tell my family and most of my friends. For 2019, all I wanted for Christmas was a kinky time with Sir. And last year, I wanted mind blowing sex with lover. But this year, all I want for Christmas is an even bigger secret.

Seducing Secret Santa

I met a guy and at first, I wrote him off because I guess he didn’t seem like my type. But somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for him and I beat myself up for this.

I’ve been through a lot of heartache these past couple of years. When I thought I’d never hear from Sir again, I had to keep how devastated I was a secret. I cried many tears in secret because my family could not find out that I lived a rather naughty lifestyle. Then, I told lover that I loved him while we were in bed and he said he didn’t feel the same way so I was secretly dealing with a broken heart. There was also my secret miscarriage last year and left me feeling a bit empty. And when Elliott fell ill and I didn’t hear from him for months, I had to quietly struggle through my fears of losing him.

There hadn’t been a whole lot of laughter on my end. I was struggling with depression, but tried my best to fake a smile to hide my brokenness. During this time, I left the blogging world so I internalized a lot of my pain. But this guy made me laugh and it’s been nonstop laughing even in my darkest moments.

So I have feelings for this secret Santa. He doesn’t know and I’m not going to say a word. I’ll just secretly seduce him…though, I don’t really remember how to flirt. I’m so used sexual relationships loaded with dirty talk that I don’t really know what romance looks like anymore.

Make Outs Under The Mistletoe

I didn’t know this secret Santa last Christmas so I never realized how much I want one of those corny Hallmark movie kisses under the mistletoe until now. Shhh…don’t tell anyone I watch those cheesy movies. There’s something different this time. Where normally, I don’t really care about romantic gestures, this time, I want it all.

This scene plays out in my head where we walk into a room at the same time to realize there’s mistletoe hanging above us. Walking into the same place together isn’t all that unusual because it’s certainly happened before. But in my head, we glance at each other before looking to see if anyone else is around. His hands wrap around my waist and I get up on my tippy toes. Our lips lock and we share the most breathtaking kiss. We once again look around to see if anyone saw. I put a finger to my lips signifying it’ll be our secret and he says, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

It’s such a cliche Christmas movie scene, yet I really want it.

Christmas Cuddles

Maybe there’s something wrong with me or maybe I just long for more than sex. I haven’t a single sexual fantasy or desire for him since I developed feelings for him. Normally, I would fantasize about jumping a guy’s bones, but that’s not the case this time.

My fantasies have been merely cuddling on the couch with him while we watch movies. And the thought of being embraced by him makes me so happy. What have I become? What kind of a sex blogger isn’t even fantasizing about sex?

But this is what I want. I want to be able to cuddle with him on Christmas morning. I want to be able to kiss his lips and play with his hair. I want to be able to lay my head on his chest and feel close to him.

It’s quite obvious to me that all I want for Christmas is him. But shhh…let’s just keep that a secret from him for now.

sass c.

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