Be Careful What You Wish For

In my teens, I wasn’t the kind of girl who dated. Sure, I had friends that were considered popular and by association, people knew who I was. I had a plethora of male friends, but I never dated any of them. As a teenager, I was awkward and didn’t know how to flirt. I was always the one who was close friends with guys, but never the girlfriend. This continued on into my college years.

I was getting a bit anxious because I always had this plan to get married by 24 years old and have a kid by 28. As you can see, those days have come and gone. But in my 20s, I grew desperate for a man and the things I did to find one led me into some very dark places. The saying is, “Be careful what you wish for,” but I don’t think I learned this lesson until I had reached the darkest point of my life.

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

I was 24 years old and still single so I signed up for several dating sites. OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel and Tinder. In 2015, I dated more guys than I can count on one hand. It was definitely a dating spree and I went through guy after guy, hoping to find the one.

Up until that point, I had wanted to wait for marriage before having sex. I had never been kissed. Never held a guy’s hand and had never really been on a date. But time was ticking and I wanted to settle down so I compromised my beliefs in hopes of getting a guy to like me.

Being in that desperate state, I let them strip my layers of clothing and expose parts of me that I kept hidden…literally and metaphorically. I opened my legs for many guys and each time, I lost a part of me. At first, I didn’t feel it and I didn’t recognize it. I didn’t get attached and was able to move from one guy to the next without so much as a tear. But this desperation eventually left me feeling numb.

I learned that one night stands were not for me…though, I did have another more recently. It’s cold and sloppy. And I like warmth and affection.

A Scandalous Affair

Eventually, this longing to find a man landed me in bed with a married man. I kept telling him I didn’t like him and living up to my name, I constantly hit him with a lot of sass. Bantering like that seems to get me into trouble and before I knew it, conversations got sexual.

One night, he left the house after his wife and kids were asleep and we hooked up in a hotel room. I knew he was married, but I’m addicted to sex so I didn’t give a fuck. He must’ve been twice my age and he was not my type at all.

Sleeping with a married man is not the way to find the one.

Sleeping With The Devil

But having an affair with a married man wasn’t even the worst of it. I ended up dating a guy I met online. It moved way too quickly. By the first date, he told me I was his girlfriend and forced me to say that I loved him. That should’ve been a red flag, but I ignored it because I finally had a man.

Then, we had sex. Sex is one thing, but he forced himself on me anally. I screamed at him and told him to stop because it hurt. He wouldn’t listen, but instead held me down. I tried to fight him off, but I was pinned down and couldn’t move. He raped me and tore some flesh so I bled for a few days. I ended up in the ER because I got so sick with a terrible infection. He had no remorse. Instead, he denied everything.

But I stayed with him because he had made me believe that no other man would want me. He would call me disgusting and worthless on a daily basis. When I tried to end things, he grew violent so I stayed with him even longer. He was emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially abusive. Being afraid to end up alone, I feel like I allowed him to abuse me.

Because I was so desperate, I didn’t properly vet him before I went out with him. Later in the relationship, a friend in law enforcement ran his name and found out he had done time in prison for killing someone. I was dating a murderer, a pathological liar, a dangerous man.

But I’ve learned it’s better to be alone than with a toxic person. It’s better to be single than continue to stay with someone who is abusive. And it’d be better to die alone than at the hands of your significant other. Had I never walked out, I might’ve been in a grave by now.

A Lesson Learned

In all of this, I learned my worth. It took some time to get to that point. After my ex, I was broken, alone, lost and confused. For a while, I tried to become physically strong so that no one could hurt me again. But after a lot of soul searching and with the help of Sir, I was able to heal emotionally.

I’ve learned to stand my ground and not let others walk all over me. While in the bedroom, I may be submissive, in life in general, I’m quite dominant and found my voice.

I went nearly four years without sex after my ex. This was mostly because I was scared, but it was also because having sex wasn’t worth getting myself back into a dark place. Life taught me that it’s okay to be alone and if I’m not content while I’m single, a relationship won’t bring me happiness either.

So be careful what you wish for or you just might end up getting burned.

sass c.

Image by Tumisu on Pixabay