I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.A.A. Milne – Winnie The Pooh
From the time I was a kid, the only thing I was certain that I wanted in life was to be a mom. I would often dream of life as an adult. It would often depict me married to some mystery man and having a few kids. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I still dream of having babies.
Lover and I have been together for a while and we don’t use condoms. I’m on birth control and I have many issues with my reproductive issue that will make it difficult to conceive. With consideration of these two factors, lover didn’t want to use condoms as the sex was better raw. He doesn’t pull out, but instead cums inside of me.
During the first year of the pandemic, my period was over a month late. It didn’t really phase me at first because I had been used to cycles that lasted 40 days. However after 60 days passed with no period, I began to worry. I was working from home and planned on buying a pregnancy test and taking it at my office the next day. But, I ended up in excruciating pain and then I passed a rather large clot. Several more clots followed. I was extremely tired and emotional. I just wanted lover to hold me because I felt so empty and sad.
Later, I knew that I had miscarried and the flood of emotions grew even more so. It was bittersweet. I was relieved because I knew that lover didn’t want anymore kids, but at the same time, I was really sad because I do want kids with him.
A Dying Dream
Throughout the time I’ve been with lover, I’ve had multiple dreams about having his babies or at least getting pregnant. However, the most vivid dreams were from earlier this year.
In one of the dreams, I had a daughter who was radiant. She was part white and part Asian which is the exact mix a kid would be if lover and I had one together. My dream depicted the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen. She was about 2 or 3 in my dream and she was starting form sentences. Lover and I had a cute little house and the little girl had her own room. Lover was at work and the little girl was running around until she stopped to look at a picture of lover and I. She asked me, “Mommy, when is daddy coming home?” As soon as she finished asking, he walked through the door and ran to him. I then woke up.
A few days later, I had another dream and this dream wasn’t so happy. In the second dream, I was pregnant with lover’s baby. I must have been pretty far along because I looked like I was about ready to pop. We were so happy and picking out baby names. Then I went out for a walk when someone attacked me. Most of the blows were to the abdomen and as a result, I lost the baby. Lover and I were so devastated.
Was there a meaning behind these dreams? I didn’t tell lover about the dreams right away because I didn’t want to scare him away. My period was a couple weeks late at the time. Then, I experienced terrible pelvic pains and had one of the worst periods of my life. I bled for about 10 days and stopped for 4 days, only to start bleeding for another 7 days. Could I have been pregnant and miscarried again?
After the bleeding finally stopped, I told lover about my dreams. He said, “Hey hun! Is there something you need to tell me?” I told him, “Relax babe. I’m not pregnant; I just had my period.” He was relieved, but what if I was pregnant? How would he react?
Were the dreams a premonition of pregnancy and miscarriage? I never did pee on a stick, so I guess I’ll never know.
Header image by Lini Soul Mentor on Pixabay
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be to want a child and then maybe have had two miscarriages. Hugs, Sass!
~ Marie xox