I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.

A.A. Milne – Winnie The Pooh

From the time I was a kid, the only thing I was certain that I wanted in life was to be a mom. I would often dream of life as an adult. It would often depict me married to some mystery man and having a few kids. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I still dream of having babies.

Failed Pregnancy

Lover and I have been together for a while and we don’t use condoms. I’m on birth control and I have many issues with my reproductive issue that will make it difficult to conceive. With consideration of these two factors, lover didn’t want to use condoms as the sex was better raw. He doesn’t pull out, but instead cums inside of me.

During the first year of the pandemic, my period was over a month late. It didn’t really phase me at first because I had been used to cycles that lasted 40 days. However after 60 days passed with no period, I began to worry. I was working from home and planned on buying a pregnancy test and taking it at my office the next day. But, I ended up in excruciating pain and then I passed a rather large clot. Several more clots followed. I was extremely tired and emotional. I just wanted lover to hold me because I felt so empty and sad.

Later, I knew that I had miscarried and the flood of emotions grew even more so. It was bittersweet. I was relieved because I knew that lover didn’t want anymore kids, but at the same time, I was really sad because I do want kids with him.

A Dying Dream

Throughout the time I’ve been with lover, I’ve had multiple dreams about having his babies or at least getting pregnant. However, the most vivid dreams were from earlier this year.

In one of the dreams, I had a daughter who was radiant. She was part white and part Asian which is the exact mix a kid would be if lover and I had one together. My dream depicted the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen. She was about 2 or 3 in my dream and she was starting form sentences. Lover and I had a cute little house and the little girl had her own room. Lover was at work and the little girl was running around until she stopped to look at a picture of lover and I. She asked me, “Mommy, when is daddy coming home?” As soon as she finished asking, he walked through the door and ran to him. I then woke up.

A few days later, I had another dream and this dream wasn’t so happy. In the second dream, I was pregnant with lover’s baby. I must have been pretty far along because I looked like I was about ready to pop. We were so happy and picking out baby names. Then I went out for a walk when someone attacked me. Most of the blows were to the abdomen and as a result, I lost the baby. Lover and I were so devastated.

Pregnancy Premonitions

Was there a meaning behind these dreams? I didn’t tell lover about the dreams right away because I didn’t want to scare him away. My period was a couple weeks late at the time. Then, I experienced terrible pelvic pains and had one of the worst periods of my life. I bled for about 10 days and stopped for 4 days, only to start bleeding for another 7 days. Could I have been pregnant and miscarried again?

After the bleeding finally stopped, I told lover about my dreams. He said, “Hey hun! Is there something you need to tell me?” I told him, “Relax babe. I’m not pregnant; I just had my period.” He was relieved, but what if I was pregnant? How would he react?

Were the dreams a premonition of pregnancy and miscarriage? I never did pee on a stick, so I guess I’ll never know.

sass c

Header image by Lini Soul Mentor on Pixabay

I get to his place and walk in because he left the door unlocked for me. He hugs me as I drop my bag onto the floor. Then I look up and wrap my arms around the back of his neck and our lips meet. Lover is the only man to have ever greeted me this way; it feels like a welcome home even though we don’t live together.

He holds me in his warm embrace and kisses my neck. My hands rub up down his back and shoulders. Lover has some amazing arms and shoulders. He’s so strong and it is quite sexy. “I missed you,” comes whispering out of my mouth. His hands grip my ass as he says, “I missed you too.” He pulls back and looks at me before kissing me again.

“Hey hun! I need to take a shower; I can wait until later, but figured you’d want to join me.” I give him a cheeky grin and he knows that means yes. We make it into the bedroom to grab clean towels, but start making out again. He peels off my clothing before stripping himself. Lover stands behind me and caresses my breasts while making me watch in the mirror. His breath is on my neck and I want him desperately.

I get on my knees and begin sucking his cock. Lover is moaning in pleasure. Then he says, “I guess we won’t be showering.” I look up and apologize. He walks me into the bathroom then bends me over sink before his cock seeks entrance into my ass. His hand wanders lower and he begins fingering me gently at first. When he pushes his cock into me, his fingers begin fucking my pussy relentlessly.

He stops because the water is now hot enough. We get into the shower and make out some more. Our hands are exploring each other’s bodies. He begins fingering once more. Pleasure overtakes my body and I collapse onto him. I’m slumped over against his chest when I can’t hold it any longer and suddenly a warm sensation pools from between my legs and onto his hand. He looks and me and says, “Mm, did you just cum?” I nod my head. It took him by surprise because in the two years we’ve been together, this was the first time I’ve ever cum for him.

We wash each other with the occasional kiss in between. Then he pushes me against the tile and takes me from behind again. The hot water is dripping down our skin, but the coldness of the tile pressed against my breast gives me the shivers. He stops and turns off the water. We dry off and go back into the bedroom.

My naked body is pressed against his as we cuddle in bed. Happiness fills me whenever we find ourselves skin to skin. Lover gets aroused again with just naked cuddles so he rolls me onto my back and spreads my legs with his body. He lines his cock up with my pussy and my legs wrap around him. His cock slowly pushes into me. I love feeling his thick cock fill my pussy. Lover continues to fuck me. His thrusts begin to speed up before a loud gasp comes out of his mouth and my pussy starts dripping. He just came inside me and I never want this moment to end.

I’ve never had this much sex with anyone else I’ve dated. Sex was never this pleasurable until I met lover. He always make me wet and we get a bit wild in bed. Call it an amazing cock or raw talent, but I sure hope it lasts forever.

sass c

Image from We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Years ago, when I was still with my toxic ex, we had taken many photos together and they would be posted on social media. After I walked away, or more so ran away, from him, I deleted the photos as they were haunting memories and I wanted nothing to remind me of him.

Since then, I’ve never been one to take it pictures with those I date or even “friends” that I’d like to date. The pain of having to explain why someone suddenly disappears from your profile is something that makes me hesitant to create memorabilia.

Branding Myself

In my vanilla little life, I’m not shy about letting the world see me. My social media accounts are filled with photos and videos, documenting portions of my life. The vanilla life I lead isn’t all that exciting, but I guess the vanilla world finds that inspiring. I struggle with illness and so I share about that aspect of my life and what I’m doing to fight those illnesses. I guess it makes me look like a badass.

My career has nothing to do with the way I brand myself. In fact, who I am on social media is almost an alter ego. I’ve used social media platforms as a digital photo album and in that respect, I’ve branded myself as a health nut in a sense.

There is nothing about relationships or sex on my vanilla profiles and I like to keep it that way. It’s clean, but apparently, I’m more popular as a vanilla person than I am in the sex blogging world. But the moments I share with the vanilla world are the ones to be treasured. I’m proud of my fight and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.

A Dramatic Pose

Even though lover and I have been dating for a while, we have no photos together. We make no reference to each other on social media.

My friends would tell me, “You should be with a guy who wants to show you off.” But I have to disagree with that. People tend to post only the good parts of their life on social media. It tends to be “fake news.” They omit all the ugly parts of life for more likes, comments or views.

So couples who look happy on Instagram are probably not too happy behind closed doors. Couples who have to constantly post selfies of themselves tend be insecure in their relationship and need validation from outsiders to be happy. And this is not the case with lover and I. We don’t need the world to see that we can’t keep our hands off each other.

Photographic Memory

Though lover and I don’t have photos together, we do have memories shared. I remember each time we’re together and the highlights of our relationship are stored visually in my brain. When I miss him, I can collect that memory and play it back in my head. I have a mental photo album constructed in my brain.

The day his kid walked in on us having sex definitely deserves an album of its own. It was the day our relationship changed from me being a random girl in his bed to me being his girl.

A page is bookmarked for the day he opened up to me about depression. It was the first time he was vulnerable with me and it felt like he was finally starting to trust me. What he shared was dark, but it also warmed my heart because it showed me how much I meant to him.

Even our big fights are stored in my brain. It’s not taking up storage space so that I can bring it up or even dwell on it, but it signifies that we do in fact fight sometimes and we’re not in the honeymoon phase anymore. And along with those big fights are how we made up and how we learned to communicate with each other a bit better.

There are days when we just lie in bed and reminisce on things. We’ll say, “Remember that time when we…” We’ll share some laughs thinking back on the time we’ve spent together.

Though we haven’t filled an album full of photos together, we have this memories embedded in our heads and engraved on our hearts.

sass c.

Image from Unsplash

“Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict shows you the kind of people they are.” – Stephen Moyer

A Dramatic Break Up

Last year, lover and I broke up. We had been together for nearly two years and I thought that meant there was a future for us as a couple. But what I thought was completely wrong.

I knew I was in love with him about two months after we started dating. It was the start of the pandemic and we were about to go into lockdown and I thought that meant it was the end for us. My heart couldn’t take the thought of being without him and it caused me physical pain. That’s when our first fight occurred. I cried until he called me to calm me down and to tell me that he still wanted to be with me. But I knew then that I never wanted to be apart from him.

Fast forward to last September and he had gone MIA. I was extremely upset thinking that he had ghosted me. He came back two weeks later saying that he was going through something. That’s when we started spiraling. In October, I asked him what I was to him and he said, “A friend.” It upset me because the whole time I thought we were something more. I told him that I loved him and he basically told me to take it back because he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

I walked out in tears because all I wanted was to have a life with him.

Fighting Through Tears

I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I continued to cry. My tears had been wiped so many times, day in and day out that I got an eye infection. It was like adding insult to injury. I forced myself to go to work, but I couldn’t concentrate because I was so heartbroken.

It was the worst feeling in the world and I had experienced break ups in the past. I guess he was the only one I’ve ever loved.

Many people would probably think I was being a drama queen, but the emotional pain translated into a physical pain. My chest felt tight and I was hyperventilating, but I wasn’t sick. I simply had a broken heart.

Getting Back Together

There was silence between us until it became unbearable. We ended up talking again because many things had been left unsaid when we fought. My friends weren’t too happy that I was talking to him. They told me to forget him, but it’s hard to forget someone you love that much.

I think we weren’t communicating well and talking again allowed us to say how we really felt. We both came from terrible relationships, but he is still healing from his and I’ve already made my peace. One thing was clear though…we just couldn’t stay away from each other so we got back together.

Our relationship is far from being drama free. Between the holidays, omicron, and other illnesses, we had gone 6 weeks without being able to see each other. But the time apart was different this time because the whole time, he wanted to make sure I was okay which is something he hadn’t done in the past. The sex is still great and he’s been opening up to me. Perhaps he’s beginning to realize how much I do really love him and he’s starting to trust me more.

sass c.

Image by Courtney Clayton on Unsplash

This year as well as last year, the holidays just didn’t seem right. I’m not really in the festive spirit and I’m not ready for Christmas at all. We have people coming over for Christmas and the house is an absolute mess. I still have work this week and I haven’t finish wrapping presents yet.

It’s a rather stressful time of the year which isn’t what Christmas used to be. Christmas used to be fun, but over the years, I’ve become the grinch. I just want to be left alone so I can relax. Instead, it’s filled with activities that make me even more exhausted.

I usually spend a lot of time curating the perfect gifts for everyone, but this year, I didn’t get to do that. It was gift card for most people and for others, I just had to chip in for something someone else paid for upfront. This takes the joy out of Christmas shopping because I normally put a lot of thought into gifts because I like seeing people’s faces light up when they receive something they like.

The one thing that I am looking forward to though is being with the little kids. I have more nieces and nephews now and they are toddlers. If you know anything about me, it’s that I love babies and toddlers and have had baby fever for quite some time now.

But I’ll keep this short as there is still a lot to do.

sass c.

In my teens, I wasn’t the kind of girl who dated. Sure, I had friends that were considered popular and by association, people knew who I was. I had a plethora of male friends, but I never dated any of them. As a teenager, I was awkward and didn’t know how to flirt. I was always the one who was close friends with guys, but never the girlfriend. This continued on into my college years.

I was getting a bit anxious because I always had this plan to get married by 24 years old and have a kid by 28. As you can see, those days have come and gone. But in my 20s, I grew desperate for a man and the things I did to find one led me into some very dark places. The saying is, “Be careful what you wish for,” but I don’t think I learned this lesson until I had reached the darkest point of my life.

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

I was 24 years old and still single so I signed up for several dating sites. OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel and Tinder. In 2015, I dated more guys than I can count on one hand. It was definitely a dating spree and I went through guy after guy, hoping to find the one.

Up until that point, I had wanted to wait for marriage before having sex. I had never been kissed. Never held a guy’s hand and had never really been on a date. But time was ticking and I wanted to settle down so I compromised my beliefs in hopes of getting a guy to like me.

Being in that desperate state, I let them strip my layers of clothing and expose parts of me that I kept hidden…literally and metaphorically. I opened my legs for many guys and each time, I lost a part of me. At first, I didn’t feel it and I didn’t recognize it. I didn’t get attached and was able to move from one guy to the next without so much as a tear. But this desperation eventually left me feeling numb.

I learned that one night stands were not for me…though, I did have another more recently. It’s cold and sloppy. And I like warmth and affection.

A Scandalous Affair

Eventually, this longing to find a man landed me in bed with a married man. I kept telling him I didn’t like him and living up to my name, I constantly hit him with a lot of sass. Bantering like that seems to get me into trouble and before I knew it, conversations got sexual.

One night, he left the house after his wife and kids were asleep and we hooked up in a hotel room. I knew he was married, but I’m addicted to sex so I didn’t give a fuck. He must’ve been twice my age and he was not my type at all.

Sleeping with a married man is not the way to find the one.

Sleeping With The Devil

But having an affair with a married man wasn’t even the worst of it. I ended up dating a guy I met online. It moved way too quickly. By the first date, he told me I was his girlfriend and forced me to say that I loved him. That should’ve been a red flag, but I ignored it because I finally had a man.

Then, we had sex. Sex is one thing, but he forced himself on me anally. I screamed at him and told him to stop because it hurt. He wouldn’t listen, but instead held me down. I tried to fight him off, but I was pinned down and couldn’t move. He raped me and tore some flesh so I bled for a few days. I ended up in the ER because I got so sick with a terrible infection. He had no remorse. Instead, he denied everything.

But I stayed with him because he had made me believe that no other man would want me. He would call me disgusting and worthless on a daily basis. When I tried to end things, he grew violent so I stayed with him even longer. He was emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially abusive. Being afraid to end up alone, I feel like I allowed him to abuse me.

Because I was so desperate, I didn’t properly vet him before I went out with him. Later in the relationship, a friend in law enforcement ran his name and found out he had done time in prison for killing someone. I was dating a murderer, a pathological liar, a dangerous man.

But I’ve learned it’s better to be alone than with a toxic person. It’s better to be single than continue to stay with someone who is abusive. And it’d be better to die alone than at the hands of your significant other. Had I never walked out, I might’ve been in a grave by now.

A Lesson Learned

In all of this, I learned my worth. It took some time to get to that point. After my ex, I was broken, alone, lost and confused. For a while, I tried to become physically strong so that no one could hurt me again. But after a lot of soul searching and with the help of Sir, I was able to heal emotionally.

I’ve learned to stand my ground and not let others walk all over me. While in the bedroom, I may be submissive, in life in general, I’m quite dominant and found my voice.

I went nearly four years without sex after my ex. This was mostly because I was scared, but it was also because having sex wasn’t worth getting myself back into a dark place. Life taught me that it’s okay to be alone and if I’m not content while I’m single, a relationship won’t bring me happiness either.

So be careful what you wish for or you just might end up getting burned.

sass c.

Image by Tumisu on Pixabay