Come to Life

Hands touch, eyes meet, electricity

No words, hearts speak what is happening

You want so bad to fall, you wanna risk it all

But right now, it’s not your call

Marié Digby – Come to Life

March 2019

Hana loved the spring and every year she’d go to Mount Yoshino to partake in hanami. Running through a field of Sakura trees, she giggled about how childlike she was acting even in her late 20s. But she didn’t have a care in the world because this was the time of the year, her delicate soul came to life.

Running, jumping, spinning around, she was so excited to be surrounded by all the cherry blossoms. However, being as distracted as she was, she didn’t quite see all of her surroundings. In her elation, Hana ran into John and immediately stumbled backward until she fell on her bum. John slightly chuckled before helping her off the ground.

He stared at her admiring her beauty. John was a bit dumbfounded and could not find the words to say. Her long silky black hair was flowing with the wind and sweeping across her pale face. Hana’s cheeks began to flush with a rosy hue, perhaps out of embarrassment or maybe because she couldn’t stop staring at John. Suddenly, her glistening brown eyes locked with his. It was like time had stopped and no one else was around. Then they realized, they were still holding hands from when John helped her up. John and Hana let go, but the electricity still ran through their veins.

The gaze between them was intense. Finally, John found the courage to break the silence. “Um, are you okay?” John said firmly, but compassionately.

“Oh, um yes. Sorry for running into you.” Hana replied in her broken English.

“I’m John. I’m stationed at Camp Shinodayama, but they gave me leave for the weekend.”

“My name is Hana.” Hana continued to gaze at the American Marine. She always thought she’d end up with a Japanese businessman who worked way too many hours to even really see her. But John was something different. He had dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He was tall and rather buff. John was definitely not the kind of guy Hana was used to, but the change was welcomed.

John and Hana walked to the pagoda and continued talking. They stood there watching as the wind blew through the cherry blossom trees. John was smitten seeing Hana amongst the delicate trees. It was clear they had a connection and when the sun started to set neither of them wanted to say goodbye. John walked Hana to her car and brushed the hair from her eyes before planting a gentle kiss on her lips. It left her breathless. They exchanged phone numbers before they went there separate ways.

February 2020

Throughout the year, John and Hana talked everyday and spent time together each time he was granted leave. They were desperately in love. John had asked Hana to be his girlfriend about a month after they had met and she happily said yes. 

It was hard to get Hana onto base to allow her to stay with him so when he was on leave, he’d stay at her apartment. John woke up and found Hana fast asleep on his chest. Her petite frame was wedged against his muscular body. He admired her nakedness as he always did and smiled. John thought he was incredibly lucky to have found Hana and planned on proposing soon. He couldn’t figure out how until he took her scent in. She smelled like the essence of spring and reminded him of when they first met at Mount Yoshino. He knew he would take her back there once hanami season started ask her to marry him then.

Suddenly, he felt something wrap around his cock. He looked down and saw Hana staring at him as her mouth wrapped around him. John was so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized Hana had woken up. “Mm, good morning to you too, honey.” John watched as Hana’s head bobbed up and down sucking his cock. Her lips were so soft and wrapped tightly around him. He was about to explode so he stopped her before flipping her on her back and going down on her. His tongue flicked her clit numerous times and she moaned in pleasure. He was sucking and swirling his tongue throughout her wet pussy until she came. John lapped up all of her juices; he just couldn’t get enough of her.

John had Hana get onto all fours and spanked her ass before mounting her. Each thrust was more and more powerful. They were out of breath and their hearts were pounding. Moans filled the air each time his cock entered her tiny wet pussy. They both were filled with ecstasy. John couldn’t hold it any longer and came inside her.

Trying to catch their breaths, they began to cuddle again. John kissed her forehead and whispered, “I love you.” Hana smiled at him and whispered, “I love you too.”

After they had caught their breaths, Hana looked at John. “So what do you want to do today besides me?” John laughed and answered, “I thought maybe we could stay in today and next month, we’ll go to Mount Yoshino for hanami.”

Hana recalled every second of hanami from the previous year and she smiled shyly. “Sounds like a plan. We can relive how I literally fell for you.“

March 2021

John and Hana never did make it to Mount Yoshino. The pandemic had hit and John was stuck on base. They had gone the year without seeing each other. Hana made the trip to Mount Yoshino hoping that they could see each other for hanami this year. Hana also didn’t know how he’d react to the surprise she had for him. It was something that just could not be shared over the phone. She waited for hours everyday for a week and he never showed up.

Hana was heartbroken as John had also grown silent. She thought that he was through with her and she couldn’t bear it. He was the love of her life and she needed him.

March 2022

John had been moved back to stateside for over a year. His phone was destroyed on the trip back. Everyday, he longed to talk to Hana, but he had no way of contacting her. He was besides himself. His friends had never seen his so depressed. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. John just wanted to be with the woman he fell in love him.

John decided to book a flight back to Japan. He headed straight for Mount Yoshino. He went everyday for a week. On the last day of his trip, he saw Hana, but was upset when he saw her carrying a baby. John thought that she had moved on and found another man.

Hana spotted John and her heart started racing. She ran to him with the baby in her arms.

“All this time, I couldn’t function being apart from you and you decided to lay with another man!”

Hana looked at him confused. “Huh?”

“You had a child with some man even though you knew I loved you!”

Hana realized what was going on. “John, this is Haru, your daughter. I named her Haru because spring was when we came to life, fell in love, and conceived.”

John was confused. Then he remembered the last time he saw her and began assessing the child’s size and age, only to realize he had gotten her pregnant. He was once again heartbroken that he had left her alone this whole time and missed his daughter’s first year of life.

“John, where were you? I was sad that you left me. I only picked myself up again because I need to take care of Haru.”

John explained the whole situation before, getting on one knee and doing what he had planned on doing two years ago.

sass c

Image by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash

Dreaming of a Due Date

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.

A.A. Milne – Winnie The Pooh

From the time I was a kid, the only thing I was certain that I wanted in life was to be a mom. I would often dream of life as an adult. It would often depict me married to some mystery man and having a few kids. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I still dream of having babies.

Failed Pregnancy

Lover and I have been together for a while and we don’t use condoms. I’m on birth control and I have many issues with my reproductive issue that will make it difficult to conceive. With consideration of these two factors, lover didn’t want to use condoms as the sex was better raw. He doesn’t pull out, but instead cums inside of me.

During the first year of the pandemic, my period was over a month late. It didn’t really phase me at first because I had been used to cycles that lasted 40 days. However after 60 days passed with no period, I began to worry. I was working from home and planned on buying a pregnancy test and taking it at my office the next day. But, I ended up in excruciating pain and then I passed a rather large clot. Several more clots followed. I was extremely tired and emotional. I just wanted lover to hold me because I felt so empty and sad.

Later, I knew that I had miscarried and the flood of emotions grew even more so. It was bittersweet. I was relieved because I knew that lover didn’t want anymore kids, but at the same time, I was really sad because I do want kids with him.

A Dying Dream

Throughout the time I’ve been with lover, I’ve had multiple dreams about having his babies or at least getting pregnant. However, the most vivid dreams were from earlier this year.

In one of the dreams, I had a daughter who was radiant. She was part white and part Asian which is the exact mix a kid would be if lover and I had one together. My dream depicted the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen. She was about 2 or 3 in my dream and she was starting form sentences. Lover and I had a cute little house and the little girl had her own room. Lover was at work and the little girl was running around until she stopped to look at a picture of lover and I. She asked me, “Mommy, when is daddy coming home?” As soon as she finished asking, he walked through the door and ran to him. I then woke up.

A few days later, I had another dream and this dream wasn’t so happy. In the second dream, I was pregnant with lover’s baby. I must have been pretty far along because I looked like I was about ready to pop. We were so happy and picking out baby names. Then I went out for a walk when someone attacked me. Most of the blows were to the abdomen and as a result, I lost the baby. Lover and I were so devastated.

Pregnancy Premonitions

Was there a meaning behind these dreams? I didn’t tell lover about the dreams right away because I didn’t want to scare him away. My period was a couple weeks late at the time. Then, I experienced terrible pelvic pains and had one of the worst periods of my life. I bled for about 10 days and stopped for 4 days, only to start bleeding for another 7 days. Could I have been pregnant and miscarried again?

After the bleeding finally stopped, I told lover about my dreams. He said, “Hey hun! Is there something you need to tell me?” I told him, “Relax babe. I’m not pregnant; I just had my period.” He was relieved, but what if I was pregnant? How would he react?

Were the dreams a premonition of pregnancy and miscarriage? I never did pee on a stick, so I guess I’ll never know.

sass c

Header image by Lini Soul Mentor on Pixabay

Wet and Wild

I get to his place and walk in because he left the door unlocked for me. He hugs me as I drop my bag onto the floor. Then I look up and wrap my arms around the back of his neck and our lips meet. Lover is the only man to have ever greeted me this way; it feels like a welcome home even though we don’t live together.

He holds me in his warm embrace and kisses my neck. My hands rub up down his back and shoulders. Lover has some amazing arms and shoulders. He’s so strong and it is quite sexy. “I missed you,” comes whispering out of my mouth. His hands grip my ass as he says, “I missed you too.” He pulls back and looks at me before kissing me again.

“Hey hun! I need to take a shower; I can wait until later, but figured you’d want to join me.” I give him a cheeky grin and he knows that means yes. We make it into the bedroom to grab clean towels, but start making out again. He peels off my clothing before stripping himself. Lover stands behind me and caresses my breasts while making me watch in the mirror. His breath is on my neck and I want him desperately.

I get on my knees and begin sucking his cock. Lover is moaning in pleasure. Then he says, “I guess we won’t be showering.” I look up and apologize. He walks me into the bathroom then bends me over sink before his cock seeks entrance into my ass. His hand wanders lower and he begins fingering me gently at first. When he pushes his cock into me, his fingers begin fucking my pussy relentlessly.

He stops because the water is now hot enough. We get into the shower and make out some more. Our hands are exploring each other’s bodies. He begins fingering once more. Pleasure overtakes my body and I collapse onto him. I’m slumped over against his chest when I can’t hold it any longer and suddenly a warm sensation pools from between my legs and onto his hand. He looks and me and says, “Mm, did you just cum?” I nod my head. It took him by surprise because in the two years we’ve been together, this was the first time I’ve ever cum for him.

We wash each other with the occasional kiss in between. Then he pushes me against the tile and takes me from behind again. The hot water is dripping down our skin, but the coldness of the tile pressed against my breast gives me the shivers. He stops and turns off the water. We dry off and go back into the bedroom.

My naked body is pressed against his as we cuddle in bed. Happiness fills me whenever we find ourselves skin to skin. Lover gets aroused again with just naked cuddles so he rolls me onto my back and spreads my legs with his body. He lines his cock up with my pussy and my legs wrap around him. His cock slowly pushes into me. I love feeling his thick cock fill my pussy. Lover continues to fuck me. His thrusts begin to speed up before a loud gasp comes out of his mouth and my pussy starts dripping. He just came inside me and I never want this moment to end.

I’ve never had this much sex with anyone else I’ve dated. Sex was never this pleasurable until I met lover. He always make me wet and we get a bit wild in bed. Call it an amazing cock or raw talent, but I sure hope it lasts forever.

sass c

Image from We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Treasured Memories

Years ago, when I was still with my toxic ex, we had taken many photos together and they would be posted on social media. After I walked away, or more so ran away, from him, I deleted the photos as they were haunting memories and I wanted nothing to remind me of him.

Since then, I’ve never been one to take it pictures with those I date or even “friends” that I’d like to date. The pain of having to explain why someone suddenly disappears from your profile is something that makes me hesitant to create memorabilia.

Branding Myself

In my vanilla little life, I’m not shy about letting the world see me. My social media accounts are filled with photos and videos, documenting portions of my life. The vanilla life I lead isn’t all that exciting, but I guess the vanilla world finds that inspiring. I struggle with illness and so I share about that aspect of my life and what I’m doing to fight those illnesses. I guess it makes me look like a badass.

My career has nothing to do with the way I brand myself. In fact, who I am on social media is almost an alter ego. I’ve used social media platforms as a digital photo album and in that respect, I’ve branded myself as a health nut in a sense.

There is nothing about relationships or sex on my vanilla profiles and I like to keep it that way. It’s clean, but apparently, I’m more popular as a vanilla person than I am in the sex blogging world. But the moments I share with the vanilla world are the ones to be treasured. I’m proud of my fight and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.

A Dramatic Pose

Even though lover and I have been dating for a while, we have no photos together. We make no reference to each other on social media.

My friends would tell me, “You should be with a guy who wants to show you off.” But I have to disagree with that. People tend to post only the good parts of their life on social media. It tends to be “fake news.” They omit all the ugly parts of life for more likes, comments or views.

So couples who look happy on Instagram are probably not too happy behind closed doors. Couples who have to constantly post selfies of themselves tend be insecure in their relationship and need validation from outsiders to be happy. And this is not the case with lover and I. We don’t need the world to see that we can’t keep our hands off each other.

Photographic Memory

Though lover and I don’t have photos together, we do have memories shared. I remember each time we’re together and the highlights of our relationship are stored visually in my brain. When I miss him, I can collect that memory and play it back in my head. I have a mental photo album constructed in my brain.

The day his kid walked in on us having sex definitely deserves an album of its own. It was the day our relationship changed from me being a random girl in his bed to me being his girl.

A page is bookmarked for the day he opened up to me about depression. It was the first time he was vulnerable with me and it felt like he was finally starting to trust me. What he shared was dark, but it also warmed my heart because it showed me how much I meant to him.

Even our big fights are stored in my brain. It’s not taking up storage space so that I can bring it up or even dwell on it, but it signifies that we do in fact fight sometimes and we’re not in the honeymoon phase anymore. And along with those big fights are how we made up and how we learned to communicate with each other a bit better.

There are days when we just lie in bed and reminisce on things. We’ll say, “Remember that time when we…” We’ll share some laughs thinking back on the time we’ve spent together.

Though we haven’t filled an album full of photos together, we have this memories embedded in our heads and engraved on our hearts.

sass c.

Image from Unsplash

Dramatic Love Life

“Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict shows you the kind of people they are.” – Stephen Moyer

A Dramatic Break Up

Last year, lover and I broke up. We had been together for nearly two years and I thought that meant there was a future for us as a couple. But what I thought was completely wrong.

I knew I was in love with him about two months after we started dating. It was the start of the pandemic and we were about to go into lockdown and I thought that meant it was the end for us. My heart couldn’t take the thought of being without him and it caused me physical pain. That’s when our first fight occurred. I cried until he called me to calm me down and to tell me that he still wanted to be with me. But I knew then that I never wanted to be apart from him.

Fast forward to last September and he had gone MIA. I was extremely upset thinking that he had ghosted me. He came back two weeks later saying that he was going through something. That’s when we started spiraling. In October, I asked him what I was to him and he said, “A friend.” It upset me because the whole time I thought we were something more. I told him that I loved him and he basically told me to take it back because he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

I walked out in tears because all I wanted was to have a life with him.

Fighting Through Tears

I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I continued to cry. My tears had been wiped so many times, day in and day out that I got an eye infection. It was like adding insult to injury. I forced myself to go to work, but I couldn’t concentrate because I was so heartbroken.

It was the worst feeling in the world and I had experienced break ups in the past. I guess he was the only one I’ve ever loved.

Many people would probably think I was being a drama queen, but the emotional pain translated into a physical pain. My chest felt tight and I was hyperventilating, but I wasn’t sick. I simply had a broken heart.

Getting Back Together

There was silence between us until it became unbearable. We ended up talking again because many things had been left unsaid when we fought. My friends weren’t too happy that I was talking to him. They told me to forget him, but it’s hard to forget someone you love that much.

I think we weren’t communicating well and talking again allowed us to say how we really felt. We both came from terrible relationships, but he is still healing from his and I’ve already made my peace. One thing was clear though…we just couldn’t stay away from each other so we got back together.

Our relationship is far from being drama free. Between the holidays, omicron, and other illnesses, we had gone 6 weeks without being able to see each other. But the time apart was different this time because the whole time, he wanted to make sure I was okay which is something he hadn’t done in the past. The sex is still great and he’s been opening up to me. Perhaps he’s beginning to realize how much I do really love him and he’s starting to trust me more.

sass c.

Image by Courtney Clayton on Unsplash

Merry and Bright

This year as well as last year, the holidays just didn’t seem right. I’m not really in the festive spirit and I’m not ready for Christmas at all. We have people coming over for Christmas and the house is an absolute mess. I still have work this week and I haven’t finish wrapping presents yet.

It’s a rather stressful time of the year which isn’t what Christmas used to be. Christmas used to be fun, but over the years, I’ve become the grinch. I just want to be left alone so I can relax. Instead, it’s filled with activities that make me even more exhausted.

Image I took last Christmas.

I usually spend a lot of time curating the perfect gifts for everyone, but this year, I didn’t get to do that. It was gift card for most people and for others, I just had to chip in for something someone else paid for upfront. This takes the joy out of Christmas shopping because I normally put a lot of thought into gifts because I like seeing people’s faces light up when they receive something they like.

The one thing that I am looking forward to though is being with the little kids. I have more nieces and nephews now and they are toddlers. If you know anything about me, it’s that I love babies and toddlers and have had baby fever for quite some time now.

But I’ll keep this short as there is still a lot to do.

sass c.

Stars In The Sky

They say Egyptians, Hindus and Mayans once believed that the stars were gods or they represented divine beings. As I studied the universe and all things in between, I could never agree with these beliefs. Then, I met Bo and everything changed.

Nebula – The Birth of a Star

From an early age, I knew I was adopted. My parents never tried to hide that from me, but one thing they couldn’t tell me is where I came from. The adoption agency and private investigators could never locate my birth parents. There weren’t any hospital records about my birth. It was as if I just appeared one day and was left at my parents’ doorstep.

It was February 24, 1987 when I seemingly appeared out of nowhere. My parents had been trying to have kids, but were unsuccessful for years. When I appeared at their doorstep, they took it as a sign that I was meant to be their child. They said that my skinned glistened even in the dark and my eyes shined brighter than any star in the sky so they called me Theia. Theia Orion that is.

Astronomers say that on that very day, they witness a supernova at Las Campanas Observatory in Chile. Dad always joked how a star was born as a result of that supernova and that star was named Theia. Grandpa Orion would always call me his bright shining star as I was his only grandchild.

I grew up like any ordinary child. Dad and mom wanted me to have a normal life despite my unknown origins. They sent me to public schools and enrolled me in extracurriculars. Grandpa Orion would take me star gazing every summer and we’d seek out cosmic events. When I was about 15 years old, we watched the Leonid meteor shower around thanksgiving. It was then grandpa told me about the myth about the stars being animate versions of gods.

But I didn’t believe in gods; I believed in science. Though, grandpa continued to insist I was the goddess of heavenly light; I laughed it off. In 2004, grandpa died right before I began submitting college applications. His love for the stars convinced me to study astronomy.

Blue Giant – Stars Collide

I left home and went to the home of many stars to begin my studies. Yes, I moved to Los Angeles and made it a point to see the stars in Hollywood. In my final year of college, I met Bo in one of my astronomy classes. He was this broody guy who walked around with a dark cloud over his head. Wherever Bo went, destruction seemed to follow.

Rumor was that he had even been arrested before. Some say he killed a man and others say he put the fear of god people. Everyone was scared to go near him, including the professor. But a research project was assigned and Professor Lynx paired us together. This is when the world as I knew it became no more.

Our topic was blue supergiant stars and their origins. We began researching and hypothesizing what created such a phenomena and spent many late nights at his apartment working on the project. One night, we took a break from the research and went star gazing.

“My grandpa and I used to do this every summer.” The nostalgia for my grandpa flooded in as we gazed at the stars. “He loved the stars and told me that they were the animate forms of gods. I never believed him.”

Bo looked at me curiously. “I used to star gaze with a girl I used to know.” The air was still and he went silent.

“I may not have been related to my grandpa by blood, but there was never a moment that I ever questioned how much he loved me.”

“You were adopted?” Bo inquired.

“Yeah, I never knew my birth parents or where I came from. It’s like I fell out of the sky.”

Bo laughed. “I was adopted too. My parents already had a baby girl when they adopted me. We grew up together and she was easily my best friend, until…um never mind.”

“What happened to your sister? Are you still close?”

“No, we had a falling out. I slept with her best friend a couple years ago. Her best friend and I were extremely hot for each other, but things ended shortly after. She ended up getting pregnant and losing the baby. It devastated her and ended up driving off the road one night. I lost both her and the baby. My sister was so upset that she stopped talking to me. My world imploded on me and it’s been nothing but chaos that’s followed me around since.”

“So you and the girl were like a blue supergiant. You were like two stars that collided and shined brighter than other stars in the sky.”

“I guess so. Then it was over and I became a black hole.”

Even though Bo was full of darkness, the gravitational pull was strong and I wanted to be closer to him. I laid back on the hood of his car and sighed. He followed suit, then I turned to face him. We were complete opposites, but there was just something about him. I stroked his cheek with my hand and stared at him with gentleness before he turned toward me and kissed me.

Supernova – The Death of a Star

As we continued our research, we approached dangerous territory. We never talked about the kiss under the stars, but we grew closer and closer. I was trying to be cautious as I didn’t want to be consumed by his darkness, but his pull was just too strong.

There were several stolen glances. There were several nights I spent cuddling in bed with him. I was falling for him no matter how hard I tried not to.

The end of the semester came and we presented our research. Professor Lynx gave us the top score in the class and we were overcome with joy. Bo and I celebrated the news and found ourselves in bed together. This time, it wasn’t just mere cuddling.

His fingers traced the curves of my naked body and his lips locked with mine. Our tongues collided and danced in harmony. His erect cock entered me as I gasped. In that moment, it seemed like we were meant to be. His cock pounded into me over and over again. Our hips moved in sync until we both reached ecstasy like a supernova bursting over our worlds.

Life as we knew it was no more. We were never meant to be mere mortals or walk this earth. We were destined for something we could have never imagined.

And with that, we made our ascent into the night sky. I guess grandpa was right all along. Bo, short for Erebos, the god of darkness, became a black hole in the night sky. I, Theia, the titan goddess of sight and heavenly light, was a star in his orbit. His gravitational pull was just too strong to escape. Forever, I’ll be at his side until his darkness consumes all of me.

sass c.

Image by David Weiss on Unsplash

Be Careful What You Wish For

In my teens, I wasn’t the kind of girl who dated. Sure, I had friends that were considered popular and by association, people knew who I was. I had a plethora of male friends, but I never dated any of them. As a teenager, I was awkward and didn’t know how to flirt. I was always the one who was close friends with guys, but never the girlfriend. This continued on into my college years.

I was getting a bit anxious because I always had this plan to get married by 24 years old and have a kid by 28. As you can see, those days have come and gone. But in my 20s, I grew desperate for a man and the things I did to find one led me into some very dark places. The saying is, “Be careful what you wish for,” but I don’t think I learned this lesson until I had reached the darkest point of my life.

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

I was 24 years old and still single so I signed up for several dating sites. OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel and Tinder. In 2015, I dated more guys than I can count on one hand. It was definitely a dating spree and I went through guy after guy, hoping to find the one.

Up until that point, I had wanted to wait for marriage before having sex. I had never been kissed. Never held a guy’s hand and had never really been on a date. But time was ticking and I wanted to settle down so I compromised my beliefs in hopes of getting a guy to like me.

Being in that desperate state, I let them strip my layers of clothing and expose parts of me that I kept hidden…literally and metaphorically. I opened my legs for many guys and each time, I lost a part of me. At first, I didn’t feel it and I didn’t recognize it. I didn’t get attached and was able to move from one guy to the next without so much as a tear. But this desperation eventually left me feeling numb.

I learned that one night stands were not for me…though, I did have another more recently. It’s cold and sloppy. And I like warmth and affection.

A Scandalous Affair

Eventually, this longing to find a man landed me in bed with a married man. I kept telling him I didn’t like him and living up to my name, I constantly hit him with a lot of sass. Bantering like that seems to get me into trouble and before I knew it, conversations got sexual.

One night, he left the house after his wife and kids were asleep and we hooked up in a hotel room. I knew he was married, but I’m addicted to sex so I didn’t give a fuck. He must’ve been twice my age and he was not my type at all.

Sleeping with a married man is not the way to find the one.

Sleeping With The Devil

But having an affair with a married man wasn’t even the worst of it. I ended up dating a guy I met online. It moved way too quickly. By the first date, he told me I was his girlfriend and forced me to say that I loved him. That should’ve been a red flag, but I ignored it because I finally had a man.

Then, we had sex. Sex is one thing, but he forced himself on me anally. I screamed at him and told him to stop because it hurt. He wouldn’t listen, but instead held me down. I tried to fight him off, but I was pinned down and couldn’t move. He raped me and tore some flesh so I bled for a few days. I ended up in the ER because I got so sick with a terrible infection. He had no remorse. Instead, he denied everything.

But I stayed with him because he had made me believe that no other man would want me. He would call me disgusting and worthless on a daily basis. When I tried to end things, he grew violent so I stayed with him even longer. He was emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially abusive. Being afraid to end up alone, I feel like I allowed him to abuse me.

Because I was so desperate, I didn’t properly vet him before I went out with him. Later in the relationship, a friend in law enforcement ran his name and found out he had done time in prison for killing someone. I was dating a murderer, a pathological liar, a dangerous man.

But I’ve learned it’s better to be alone than with a toxic person. It’s better to be single than continue to stay with someone who is abusive. And it’d be better to die alone than at the hands of your significant other. Had I never walked out, I might’ve been in a grave by now.

A Lesson Learned

In all of this, I learned my worth. It took some time to get to that point. After my ex, I was broken, alone, lost and confused. For a while, I tried to become physically strong so that no one could hurt me again. But after a lot of soul searching and with the help of Sir, I was able to heal emotionally.

I’ve learned to stand my ground and not let others walk all over me. While in the bedroom, I may be submissive, in life in general, I’m quite dominant and found my voice.

I went nearly four years without sex after my ex. This was mostly because I was scared, but it was also because having sex wasn’t worth getting myself back into a dark place. Life taught me that it’s okay to be alone and if I’m not content while I’m single, a relationship won’t bring me happiness either.

So be careful what you wish for or you just might end up getting burned.

sass c.

Image by Tumisu on Pixabay

All I Want For Christmas

Every year, my family asks what I want for Christmas. And every year, my response is the same, “Uhhh, I don’t know. I don’t really need anything.” In 2019 and 2020, what I really wanted was a secret that I couldn’t tell my family and most of my friends. For 2019, all I wanted for Christmas was a kinky time with Sir. And last year, I wanted mind blowing sex with lover. But this year, all I want for Christmas is an even bigger secret.

Seducing Secret Santa

I met a guy and at first, I wrote him off because I guess he didn’t seem like my type. But somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for him and I beat myself up for this.

I’ve been through a lot of heartache these past couple of years. When I thought I’d never hear from Sir again, I had to keep how devastated I was a secret. I cried many tears in secret because my family could not find out that I lived a rather naughty lifestyle. Then, I told lover that I loved him while we were in bed and he said he didn’t feel the same way so I was secretly dealing with a broken heart. There was also my secret miscarriage last year and left me feeling a bit empty. And when Elliott fell ill and I didn’t hear from him for months, I had to quietly struggle through my fears of losing him.

There hadn’t been a whole lot of laughter on my end. I was struggling with depression, but tried my best to fake a smile to hide my brokenness. During this time, I left the blogging world so I internalized a lot of my pain. But this guy made me laugh and it’s been nonstop laughing even in my darkest moments.

So I have feelings for this secret Santa. He doesn’t know and I’m not going to say a word. I’ll just secretly seduce him…though, I don’t really remember how to flirt. I’m so used sexual relationships loaded with dirty talk that I don’t really know what romance looks like anymore.

Make Outs Under The Mistletoe

I didn’t know this secret Santa last Christmas so I never realized how much I want one of those corny Hallmark movie kisses under the mistletoe until now. Shhh…don’t tell anyone I watch those cheesy movies. There’s something different this time. Where normally, I don’t really care about romantic gestures, this time, I want it all.

This scene plays out in my head where we walk into a room at the same time to realize there’s mistletoe hanging above us. Walking into the same place together isn’t all that unusual because it’s certainly happened before. But in my head, we glance at each other before looking to see if anyone else is around. His hands wrap around my waist and I get up on my tippy toes. Our lips lock and we share the most breathtaking kiss. We once again look around to see if anyone saw. I put a finger to my lips signifying it’ll be our secret and he says, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

It’s such a cliche Christmas movie scene, yet I really want it.

Christmas Cuddles

Maybe there’s something wrong with me or maybe I just long for more than sex. I haven’t a single sexual fantasy or desire for him since I developed feelings for him. Normally, I would fantasize about jumping a guy’s bones, but that’s not the case this time.

My fantasies have been merely cuddling on the couch with him while we watch movies. And the thought of being embraced by him makes me so happy. What have I become? What kind of a sex blogger isn’t even fantasizing about sex?

But this is what I want. I want to be able to cuddle with him on Christmas morning. I want to be able to kiss his lips and play with his hair. I want to be able to lay my head on his chest and feel close to him.

It’s quite obvious to me that all I want for Christmas is him. But shhh…let’s just keep that a secret from him for now.

sass c.

To read more juicy secrets, click here

Image by Donna Hamlet on Pexels

The Kiss of Death

Legend has it that when the living are asleep, living dead walk amongst the town searching for prey to devour. But I was never one to believe in such fairy tales…that is until I got tangled into a forbidden affair.

I grew up as one of those innocent little church girls in a tiny town. My mom used make me sing in the choir and my dad served as a deacon. Everyone knew me and everyone expected me to be a perfect little angel. But no one knew about the darkness that followed me around.

Ever since I was about 16, I would see a dark figure hiding in the shadows watching me. At first, I was scared and paranoid, but then I became intrigued. I’d see him standing beneath the old willow tree near the church every Tuesday night after choir practice. So one night I decided it was time to see who was watching me. After that night, I would walk to the willow tree every Tuesday night, but when I’d get there, he’d disappear.

But on my 30th birthday, everything changed.

“Misa! Are you going to Christmas Eve service tonight?”

“Of course Kenna! You know the drill with my parents.”

“But you’re turning 30 years old. They can’t control your life forever. Just tell them you want to celebrate with your best friend.”

“I can’t. Mom has me doing the big solo tonight.”

“Okay, well we’ll miss you at the Joey’s! You know he really likes you!”

“Ew! Joey’s my boss’s nephew. That’s so gross!” I shouted as I got into my car and drove straight to the church for last minute choir practice.

“You’re late!” My mom said sternly.

“It’s only six o’clock! We have six more hours!”

She gave me this glare. Mom is a tiny little Asian woman, but she when she’s upset with you, I swear her glares can burn a hole right through you.

“Why are you wearing that? You look like a tramp!” Mom was brutally honest.

“Relax! It’s just a red dress.”

“Too short! Are you trying to make a man sin at church tonight?”

I ignored her and practiced until service was about to start.

At the stroke of midnight, I began my solo.

Fall on your knees. Oh hear the angel voices. Oh night divine

And that’s when I saw him. He was standing in darkness in the back of the church. His eyes a piercing icy blue locked with mine as if he was staring into my soul. I had never seen him before, yet he was so familiar.

When service ended, I tried to find him, but he was gone. I went around and said Merry Christmas to everyone then decided to call it a night.

I walked to my car and as I opened the door, I felt a cool breath on the back of my neck. I felt an arm wrap around my waist and other moved my silky black hair away from my neck. I know I should’ve been scared, but I couldn’t help but want more so I leaned into him and his lips met the nape of my neck. Moans of pleasure escaped my lips. My mother would have a fit if she saw this.

His hand traveled down to the hem of my dress and I didn’t even try to stop him. My legs parted as if I knew his next move. Then he stopped and a wave of disappointment washed over me. Soft whimpers escaped my needy lips before his teeth sunk into my neck leaving me with feelings of utter ecstasy just before I blacked out.

When I came to, I was in a dark room on a four-poster bed with velvety red sheets. I looked around and saw him standing in the doorway. Those icy blue eyes staring into my soul. It’s as if I had known him for an eternity.

I took in the sight. He was tall, with dirty blonde hair and sculpted shoulders. He was wearing a suit that hugged his muscular frame. I couldn’t stop staring.

“Who are you? Where am I?”

His eyes grew dark, but his expression didn’t change as he approached me.

“I’ve been waiting a very long time for you.”

“But who are you?”


Chills ran down my spine. Death? What is that supposed to mean? Yet, I craved more of him. Intensity in our exchanged stares.

He sat on the bed next to me. Our eyes never parted from each other. “You’re mine, Misa!” His voice was thunderous.

“How do you know my name?” I whispered.

He pounced on top of me like a predator about to devour its prey. His lips met mine and I was under his spell. Kisses down my neck as he ripped off my red dress and continued kissing down my body. His teeth sunk into my inner thighs and that feeling of ecstasy took over once more. Flicks of his tongue on my swollen clit. My back arched in pure bliss.

In a flash, his clothes were off and he entered me. I knew it what we were doing was wrong, but it felt so right. Our hips moved rhythmically together. We were so in sync. His tongue danced with mine in perfect harmony. He thrusted harder and I could tell he was close. Once again, his teeth sunk into my neck as we both reached nirvana.

He rolled off of me and we laid there coming down from our highs. I just slept with a man and I don’t even know his name. He cupped my face with his hand and looked into my eyes. “Dimitri,” he whispered.


“My name is Dimitri. I’ve been waiting a long time for you, Misa.”

“How do you know my name?”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed and down the hallway. Before me hung a giant portrait with a plaque that said, “Count Dimitri Nikolaevich and the Bloodlust Queen.” I looked up at the portrait and it was Dimitri indeed, but the woman in his arms was the spitting image of me. Porcelain white skin, long silky black hair and a satin red gown.

“What is this? Who are you?”

“I’ve walked this earth for 830 years. For 500 years, I ruled a realm of vampires alone, but then a seer gave me a prophecy that foretold of you. The portrait was a gift that haunted me knowing I could not find you. Then 14 years ago, I saw you walk out of that church. You looked like her, but were too young. So I waited and waited year after year. I kept watch to make sure no one else found you. If other vampires found out about the prophecy, they would come for you to try to overthrow me. But when I saw you in the red dress and I couldn’t stay away any longer. You looked exactly as you do in this portrait.”

Somehow, it felt like I knew him for an eternity and I felt the sorrow in his eyes. It seemed like he thought I’d run from him, but I knew I couldn’t be without him. There was something about him; it was as if I was specifically made for him. I was drawn to him and I didn’t fear him.

So I swept my hair to the side and offered him my neck.

“Are you sure?”

“This means I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine?”

He nodded his head so I followed suit. With that bit my wrist and drank my blood. He then bit his wrist and I drank his before his teeth sunk into my neck once more.

I was his biggest secret and he was my greatest sin. He was the kiss of death and I was his eternity.

sass c

Image by LeQuocHuy36 on Pixabay

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